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Man VS. Nature #2: Bruce Willis VS. Gorilla

8/4/2014

Nature took a shocking lead in the first week of battles, but this week Man has revenge on his mind. Who will win in this week's epic showdown: Bruno VS. The King of the Primates!

The battle begins with both combatants looking mildly disinterested, almost as if they're not being paid enough to be there. Bruce looks across the pitch at his opponent and quips, "Ready when you are..."

The gorilla snorts in acknowledgement.

Bruce moves slowly to his left. Having seen Arnold's fate in the first battle, he decided to give himself an advantage. Several weeks ago, he had his assistant Dianne hide two Smith & Wesson 460XVRs in the bushes.

The gorilla senses danger, and begins to charge at Bruce Willis.

Without batting an eyelash, Bruce stands to reveal the two hand cannons he had stashed away.

"Yippe Ki Yay Mother Nature."

He then pulls the triggers.

-Click- -Click- -Click-

Unfortunately for Bruce, Dianne has forgotten the bullets.

Before another thought can escape Bruce's head, the gorilla is on him. Within seconds, the gorilla has ripped Bruce's arms directly off his torso. As blood spurts from the holes in the sides of his body, Bruce begins to feel the pummeling of his own arms hitting him. The gorilla mercilessly beats Bruce Willis with his arms until he is near death.

As Bruce lays on the ground, bloody and beaten, the gorilla looks at him and thinks how similar the human is to himself. He then gently pats the top of Bruce's head.

Bruce coughs up blood.

The cough startles the gorilla and he rips Bruce's face off with his teeth.

WINNER: GORILLA

"I think we're done here."

Man VS. Nature #1: Arnold Schwarzenegger VS. Grizzly Bear

7/29/2014

Welcome to the first part of our ongoing series, Man VS. Nature. In this exciting event, we are going to take a look at how some of the most powerful humans on the planet would fare against some of the fiercest creatures in nature. Our first match-up pits the Governator against one of nature's top predators, The Grizzly Bear.

What better way to start this series than the Granddaddy of all action stars taking on the Granddaddy of all bears?

Arnold makes the first move, aggressively charging the bear and lunging through the air towards the neck of the beast.

The Grizzly Bear easily swats Arnold away with an effortless motion of its paw, and then bites Arnold's skull until it explodes.

WINNER: GRIZZLY BEAR

Truly Terrifying

7/14/2014

Just when you think it's safe to let your children play outside, I come across this sign that encourages perverts to stop and watch them. This is why you need to keep your children locked up inside watching TV and playing video games...just as God intended.

Strangely Mesmerizing

7/3/2014

Change We Can Believe In

6/30/2014

This morning, I stopped at my local neighborhood fruit stand to get my daily dose of Vitamins whatever. After selecting my Granny Smith Apple and Banana, I asked the friendly fruit man how much I owed him.

"$1.25"

Marveling over the affordability of fruit, I dug into my pocket and pulled out two crisp dollar bills and handed them over to my new friend.

He then stared at me.

I stared at him.

Hours passed.

Finally, the fruit man (and just to clarify, I'm referring to the man selling me fruit, not making a slur towards him being a homosexual. As far as I know, he wasn't a homosexual...however he did handle my banana with a certain confidence that could make me wonder) realized that I was waiting for change. By my calculations, I was owed three quarters. Or a fifty cent piece and quarter. Or seven dimes and a nickel. I think that's all the combinations...

Now, I don't know the current policies amongst fruit vendors, but I think that at most reputable retailers, one is given change in cash. I've heard tale of a salon that will give you change in compliments, but I've never been there.

So, the fruit man made moves to grab something, which I, being an American and a proud capitalist, assumed would be several coins. I held out my hand, expecting to feel the familiar weight of "Li'l Washingtons", but instead was met with two mushy orbs.

After my initial shock of having someone's testicles forced into my hand had worn off, I looked down to realize that I was now holding a plum and a peach.

I looked down at them with confusion.

I looked up at the fruit man.

Had I blacked out and asked for a plum and a peach? It wouldn't be the first time, but the fact that I hadn't consumed eleven Irish Car Bombs on my way to work lead me to believe that I was probably clear-headed.

The fruit man, sensing my confusion, stated plainly,

"Plum and peach. Now two dollars."

He then waved me off.

I started to say something, but he then waved me off again.

I walked away, four pieces of fruit filling my hands, feeling like I had somehow been taken advantage of...but still being impressed with the price of fruit.

Definitive Proof

6/30/2014

For those of you who have been doubting that Zach has died and gone to Heaven, he just sent us this picture...

If unlimited cheese isn't proof of Heaven, I don't know what is.

The Lie Store

6/15/2014

I don't even know if I can believe that they sell cigars...

In Memoriam

6/13/2014

On Episode 133 of On The Couch, we lost a titan of our industry.
R.I.P. Zach Levin.
You'll live on in our hearts for at least a few days.

Justin Biketha

6/3/2014

Have you ever seen anyone have to concentrate so hard to not fall over on a bicycle?!?!

What's the matter, BARFA. Just get the TRAINING WHEELS off?!?!

You make me wish ravens would peck out my eyes, just so I'd never have to see your stupid, idiot face again!

Justin Scarfa

6/3/2014

Wow, it must be super douchey out if you need to wear that scarf. Bundle up, asshat.

Also, nice tummy. I'm glad to see the concept of "keeping a shirt closed" is a bit outside your grasp.

Honestly, what is the DEAL with this guy?!?