I am not a religious man. Despite my upbringing deeply entrenched in the world of Catholicism, I grew up to be an agnostic individual, completely unconvinced of the power of religion, or even the existence of god.
I do know one thing though...
If there is a god out there, maintaining a grand design on a complex universe filled with marvels and wonders, THIS was not in his plan!
Watermelons are supposed to be oblong and bulky! You've made a mockery of everything the good lord intended for the sweetest of fruits!
And what's the point? To save refrigerator space? Japan, you are leading the world in technological advances! You're responsible for some of the most important developments of the modern era! Computers...cars...Godzilla...YOU'VE DONE IT ALL! Nobody can deny how god damn clever you are. So just...stop. Stop! Leave our fruit alone!
So if you're in the grocery store and you see one of these slaps to the face of creation, do the right thing and tell it to fuck off.
Dear Dixie Cups,
Fuck You. Nobody likes you.
God damn elitists. Ruining our country. With your little cups.
"Muhhh, I'm so extravagant that I can have a dedicated, disposable cup for when I only want a small amount of liquid."
You know, you don't have to fill every cup to the brim! You can just put a Dixie Cup amount of liquid in a larger cup! THERE ARE NO LAWS GOVERNING BEVERAGE TO CONTAINER RATIOS!!!
You offend me to my core, and I shall have none of you.
Like a good American, I went out and voted this morning. When I got there, I noticed my district's line was a bit longer than the rest. It didn't take me long to realize the cause of the delay was the 873 year old woman checking people in, Betty. Betty spoke not a word of English, but she could point at things and motion with the best of them. Fortunately, she was able to get me checked in before she turned to dust. God bless our elderly and their abundant free time.
After circumnavigating Betty and correctly answering her three riddles, I was moved on to my "private" voting...ummm...podium. Despite the fact that this is a solitary activity, I couldn't help but feel that we all could have won if a little teamwork had been applied.
Moments into the process, I realized that I had no idea who I was going to vote for. Fortunately, I had a coin in my pocket.
Selecting candidates, or licking my own titty? You decide.
(SPOILER ALERT: I was licking my titty.)
Finally, a kindly Hispanic man showed me how to submit my votes. And Mitt Romney wants to close our borders...
Motherfucking Victory! Motherfucking America! Suck it, Communism!
If you haven't done so yet, get out and vote! It's your duty! Or something. Honestly, I don't really care. Oooh, Golden Girls is on...
Emily and I headed out to face the storm head on. She was a cruel and merciless bitch, but enough about Emily.
While Sandy may have mussed up our perfect hairdos, we came away with a stellar concept for a new show...
Now Accepting Bids. I'm looking at you, Weather Channel.
I walked out of my office for lunch today and was greeted with this sight...
I'm not too proud to admit that, for a moment, I was genuinely terrified.