Just when you think it's safe to let your children play outside, I come across this sign that encourages perverts to stop and watch them. This is why you need to keep your children locked up inside watching TV and playing video games...just as God intended.
This morning, I stopped at my local neighborhood fruit stand to get my daily dose of Vitamins whatever. After selecting my Granny Smith Apple and Banana, I asked the friendly fruit man how much I owed him.
Marveling over the affordability of fruit, I dug into my pocket and pulled out two crisp dollar bills and handed them over to my new friend.
He then stared at me.
I stared at him.
Finally, the fruit man (and just to clarify, I'm referring to the man selling me fruit, not making a slur towards him being a homosexual. As far as I know, he wasn't a homosexual...however he did handle my banana with a certain confidence that could make me wonder) realized that I was waiting for change. By my calculations, I was owed three quarters. Or a fifty cent piece and quarter. Or seven dimes and a nickel. I think that's all the combinations...
Now, I don't know the current policies amongst fruit vendors, but I think that at most reputable retailers, one is given change in cash. I've heard tale of a salon that will give you change in compliments, but I've never been there.
So, the fruit man made moves to grab something, which I, being an American and a proud capitalist, assumed would be several coins. I held out my hand, expecting to feel the familiar weight of "Li'l Washingtons", but instead was met with two mushy orbs.
After my initial shock of having someone's testicles forced into my hand had worn off, I looked down to realize that I was now holding a plum and a peach.
I looked down at them with confusion.
I looked up at the fruit man.
Had I blacked out and asked for a plum and a peach? It wouldn't be the first time, but the fact that I hadn't consumed eleven Irish Car Bombs on my way to work lead me to believe that I was probably clear-headed.
The fruit man, sensing my confusion, stated plainly,
"Plum and peach. Now two dollars."
He then waved me off.
I started to say something, but he then waved me off again.
I walked away, four pieces of fruit filling my hands, feeling like I had somehow been taken advantage of...but still being impressed with the price of fruit.
For those of you who have been doubting that Zach has died and gone to Heaven, he just sent us this picture...
If unlimited cheese isn't proof of Heaven, I don't know what is.
On Episode 133 of On The Couch, we lost a titan of our industry.
R.I.P. Zach Levin.
You'll live on in our hearts for at least a few days.
Have you ever seen anyone have to concentrate so hard to not fall over on a bicycle?!?!
What's the matter, BARFA. Just get the TRAINING WHEELS off?!?!
You make me wish ravens would peck out my eyes, just so I'd never have to see your stupid, idiot face again!
Wow, it must be super douchey out if you need to wear that scarf. Bundle up, asshat.
Also, nice tummy. I'm glad to see the concept of "keeping a shirt closed" is a bit outside your grasp.
Honestly, what is the DEAL with this guy?!?
Nice photo, Barfa. Definitely makes me think you're not the worst thing to happen to the world ever.
"Derrrr....ummmmmm....can someone asplain to me how to use these tings? Derrr herrr."
It's called a fork and knife, Barfa. Civilized people use them to eat food.
What a complete fool.